Is It Parental Alienation?

A reflection by a lived experience counsellor from the Friendship Centre

What Is Parental Alienation?

Parental alienation occurs when a parent, deliberately or unconsciously, influences a child to reject or fear the other parent through persistent negative messaging, interference with contact, or creating loyalty conflicts. It is characterised by pressure on the child to take sides rather than allowing the child to form their own experience of the relationship.

This is her story. You be the judge.

The Night Everything Changed

Following police intervention, the children experienced a sudden and frightening separation from their father. The departure happened quickly, after authorities warned that the behaviour toward their mother was abusive and must stop. Instead of changing the behaviour, their father chose to leave. The children were left shocked and confused, and the next day the family still had to function — including supporting one son on his first day of high school after a sleepless night.

Signs of Distress

Over the following months, thankfully, some stability began to return. The boys continued spending time with their father during the week and on weekends. However, toward the end of 2024, the youngest began to show signs of distress. He had stomach aches and headaches, became withdrawn, and was increasingly reluctant to attend visits. Although he struggled to explain why, his mother clearly sensed something was wrong. At one point he asked his mother, "What if Dad has a girlfriend — what will happen to you?"

The Discovery

In early 2025, the situation became clear. One of the boys saw a message on his father's phone from another woman expressing love. When confronted, the father admitted the relationship had been going on for months, despite having recently said he loved their mother and despite stopping divorce proceedings twice. This confirmation was devastating for the children. Their confusion turned into a loss of trust.

That evening and ever since, the youngest has blamed himself. He believed the relationship had begun because, through his writing of a movie script, his father met the woman who later became his partner. His pain was profound and confusing. Hearing his mother say "mum and dad are working on it, they love each other, just can't live together at the moment" — he was living in two realities.

This is a painful but common response from children — trying to make sense of chaos by believing they somehow caused it.

The horror is that the children found out before any adult did and had to carry the weight of adult choices alone — with fear of their world collapsing in front of them. Imagine children carrying this pain.

When Children Say No

After this discovery, the boys said they did not want to continue contact. One expressed that he felt his father could not be trusted; the other said he could not cope with meeting another woman. Their mother encouraged them to share their feelings directly with their father, which they did, but they felt their concerns were minimised or the story was reframed.

She has repeatedly attempted to communicate what the children have told her and what she has observed. When she does, she is often met with denial, told she is imagining it, or accused of putting ideas in the children's minds. At times the conversation ends unless she uses the "right" words, tone, or presentation that feels acceptable to him.

In those moments, the focus shifts away from the children and onto how she is speaking. She cannot resolve concerns if she is not permitted to raise them. Communication cannot function when one parent is only allowed to speak if the message is comfortable for the other. When the children's experiences are dismissed or attributed to her influence, the opportunity to understand and support them is lost.

Ethical Parenting Means Standing Still

When children say "no" consistently, clearly, and with reason, the role of a parent is not to override that truth but to protect it. Continuing to push them toward a relationship they are resisting would have required her to silence their instincts and betray their trust.

At a certain point, ethical parenting means standing still while children step back. The children's position was and remains clear: this was not punishment or manipulation. The law came to reinforce the position of the children — that they cannot be forced by either parent to attend visitation.

She did not close a door. She simply stopped forcing them to walk through one that had wounded them.

So — Is This Alienation?

Parental alienation involves influencing a child through misrepresentation, coercion, or undermining. It is not present when a parent is responding to concerns raised independently by the child.

Support Is Available

If you or someone you know is in need of counselling support, please reach out. If finances are an issue, please contact Friendship Centre for free remote and in-person counselling for couples, children, families, and you.