When the Marriage Becomes Toxic: A Different Kind of Battle When Children Are Involved

By Maria Sarina

There is a point in some relationships when you begin to realise that what you are experiencing is not simply a marriage going through a difficult season.

It is different. The arguments are different. The communication is different. The way information is processed is different. The way conflict affects you is different. And most importantly, when there are children involved, the rules of the game are different.

I know this because I have lived it. I am not writing this from a place of bitterness or defeat. I am writing from a place of victory.

I have walked through the confusion, the self-doubt, the questioning, the documenting, the grief, the protection of my children and the painful process of accepting that something was fundamentally wrong.

And one of the greatest lessons I have learned is this: you cannot navigate a highly toxic relationship in the same way you navigate an ordinary relationship breakdown. You have to become much more intentional. You have to become much more reflective. And when children are involved, you have to think beyond yourself.

First, look at yourself — honestly

This is not about blaming yourself. It is about self-reflection. When you are living inside a toxic relationship, it can be very easy to become completely focused on what the other person is doing. You analyse their behaviour, their words, their moods and their reactions.

But there is an important question you also need to ask: what is this relationship doing to me, and who am I becoming inside it? Am I frightened? Am I constantly walking on eggshells? Am I becoming reactive? Am I changing the way I speak because I am trying to prevent an explosion? Am I questioning my own memory? Am I allowing behaviour that I would never want my children to believe is normal?

And perhaps the hardest question: what are my children learning from watching me live this way? Self-reflection does not mean taking responsibility for another person's behaviour. It means taking responsibility for what you can control — your responses, your boundaries, your choices and the environment you create for your children.

Then comes the hardest part: figuring out what you are dealing with

For me, there was a long period of trying to understand. What was happening? Why did ordinary conversations become so difficult? Why could something be understood one day and completely differently the next? Why did attempts to communicate sometimes create even more conflict? Was there trauma? Was I missing something? Was I the problem?

When you are inside a toxic relationship, your first job is not necessarily to have all the answers. Your first job is to observe. Stop trying to solve every interaction. Start noticing patterns. And start documenting your experiences.

Document everything — for yourself first

This became one of the most important things I did. Journal. Write down what happened. Write down what was said. Write down how you felt. Write down what happened before and after an incident. Write down how the children responded. Write down changes in their behaviour. Write down significant events.

If appropriate and lawful where you live, preserve relevant messages, photographs or other evidence. You can also keep private video or voice journals about your own experiences, provided you comply with applicable recording and privacy laws.

And here is something important: you do not have to show this material to anyone immediately. In fact, initially, this documentation may simply be for you. Because prolonged exposure to confusion can make you question your own reality. Your journal becomes your timeline. It reminds you: this happened. This is how I felt. This is what the children experienced. This is what changed.

And if, eventually, lawyers, counsellors, doctors, police or a court become involved, contemporaneous records may also help you explain the history of what has occurred. They are not a substitute for legal advice or admissible evidence, but they can help preserve the chronology. Documenting is not revenge. It is clarity.

Your children were born into this system

This is perhaps the most important distinction I want parents to understand. You married into the system. Your children were born into it. They did not choose it. They did not choose the dynamics. They did not choose the conflict. And they should not be expected to carry the emotional consequences of adult decisions.

That does not mean pretending nothing is happening. Children are often far more aware than adults realise. They hear the arguments. They see the withdrawal. They notice the tension. They notice when Mum is crying. They notice when Dad leaves. They notice when someone is being treated differently. They notice when the story they are being told does not match what they are experiencing.

Talk to your children — but don't recruit them

There is a very important difference between telling children the truth and making children responsible for the truth. Children should not become messengers. They should not be interrogated. They should not be asked to choose sides. They should not be given adult details they cannot emotionally process. And they should never be made responsible for protecting one parent from the other.

I learned to speak to my children in simple, factual language. If there had been an argument, I did not create a false story. I did not tell them everything. But I did not tell them nothing. I would explain what had happened in terms they could understand, without attacking their father. Then I allowed them to ask questions. And sometimes their questions told me more than any adult conversation could.

They would say things like: "Mum, you aren't taking it anymore, are you?" And I could answer honestly: "No. I'm not." That was not turning them against their father. That was acknowledging what they were already experiencing.

When children are being gaslit, give them somewhere to put their experience

If a child repeatedly says, "That's not what happened," or "I know what I saw," or "They said I imagined it," don't automatically dismiss them. Listen. Ask questions without leading them. Help them identify their feelings. Depending on their age, encourage journaling, drawing or another safe way of recording their experiences.

The purpose is not to build a case against the other parent. The purpose is to help the child maintain a sense of their own reality. There is enormous power in a child knowing: "My feelings matter. I am allowed to remember what happened. I can tell Mum the truth. I don't have to choose between my parents to be heard."

Stop protecting the family secret

One of the most damaging things we can do when living in a toxic relationship is become obsessed with protecting the appearance of the family. "Don't tell anyone." "Don't air the dirty laundry." "What will people think?" I understand that instinct. I lived it. But silence can become a prison.

I remember telling my sister-in-law that something seemed wrong with the way my husband processed information. Those conversations mattered. Not because I had diagnosed him. Not because I had proven anything. They mattered because I had finally started speaking my experience out loud.

Tell your parents. Tell a trusted sibling. Tell a trusted friend. Tell someone safe. You don't need to tell everyone everything. You simply need to stop carrying the entire reality alone. You might say: "We're not doing well." "Things are very different behind closed doors." "I'm struggling and I need someone to know."

If there is physical violence, safety comes first

This is where the rules change again. If you are experiencing physical violence, threats, stalking, intimidation or other forms of domestic and family violence, do not treat this as simply a marriage problem. It is a safety issue. Seek professional help. Make reports where appropriate. Preserve photographs and relevant evidence. Keep records of incidents.

If you are in immediate danger in Australia, call 000. And if you are considering an Apprehended Domestic Violence Order (ADVO), get advice about the appropriate timing, conditions and protection for you and your children. An ADVO and parenting orders can interact in complex ways, so legal advice specific to your circumstances is essential. Safety planning should begin while you are still inside the relationship if that is where the risk exists.

Your children are not weapons

When a marriage breaks down, children can very quickly become the centre of the conflict. They can become messengers. "Tell your father..." "Ask your mother..." Please don't do this. Your children are not your lawyers. They are not your witnesses. They are not your emotional support people. They are your children.

They need permission to love, miss, question, reject, accept or feel confused about either parent without believing that their feelings will hurt you. At the same time, children should not be forced into contact with a parent when they are frightened or unsafe. Where there are safety concerns, court orders, an ADVO or allegations of abuse, obtain professional legal advice and use the appropriate child-safety and family-law processes.

The goal is not to win the battle

When you are inside a toxic relationship, you can become consumed with proving that you are right. But eventually you realise: winning the argument is not the goal. Protecting your children's emotional wellbeing is the goal. Protecting yourself is the goal. Creating stability is the goal. Breaking unhealthy cycles is the goal. And eventually, rebuilding a life where your children can experience healthy relationships, healthy boundaries and emotional safety becomes the goal.

I am sharing this from the other side

I don't pretend that I handled every moment perfectly. I didn't. There were times I was exhausted. Times I was angry. Times I questioned myself. Times I didn't know what to do next. But I kept searching for truth. I kept reflecting. I kept documenting. I kept listening to my children. I kept talking to safe people. And eventually, the fog began to lift.

I share this because there are parents living inside relationships that have become profoundly unhealthy, and they are desperately trying to understand what is happening while simultaneously trying to protect their children.

If that is you, I want you to know something: you are allowed to stop pretending that everything is okay. You are allowed to ask questions. You are allowed to reflect on your own behaviour without accepting responsibility for someone else's. You are allowed to document what you experience. You are allowed to seek help. You are allowed to tell safe people the truth. You are allowed to listen when your children tell you how they feel. And you are allowed to begin building a life based on truth rather than fear.

Sometimes the first step out of a toxic system isn't leaving. Sometimes it is simply seeing clearly. Then documenting what you see. Then speaking the truth. Then protecting the children. Then making the next right decision. One decision at a time.

And that is how the battle begins to change.

Go gently, Maria.